McPeterson's...

Today there was an article about a woman (a mother of three, to be exact) being fired for letting Adrian Peterson, an exceptionally well known running back in the National Football League, in to use the restroom after hours. Normally I would just shrug this off and suggest that there was some nefarious reason for AP to be in the parking lot of a McD's at 3am anyway, but I have worked for McDonald's, and instead I feel a severe indictment is in order. Not to mention the fact that AP has nothing to do since his team blew the regular season, so some late night Big Macs are probably all he has to look forward to for the next 7 months or so.

So, my first job was at McDonald's. I was in high school, my senior year. It lasted about a year and half until I had started my second term of college. First off, I worked at a fairly reputable branch in the Northern Midwest. We were known for a certain standard of service, and as such received a lot of first considerations from corporate. That said, the experience in general was one of indentured servitude to a bunch of female managers who felt they had a whole lot more power and prestige than they honestly did. I think the fact that McDonald's is the first job for so many young people out there has helped to create a culture of condescension and inflated discipline. For example, they were so off put by my 5 o'clock shadow one day that they made me dry shave in the back before I started my shift. Apparently it looked better to have me flipping burgers with blood-soaked toilet tissue wrapped around my neck than it would have for me to sport some ginger whiskers on my cheeks. (Incidentally, the policy on facial hair changed shortly after I was fired--details to follow; now you are likely to be handed your nuggets by a seventeen year old with a pitiful goatee. At least my beard rocked at 17).

As I mentioned above, I was fired. I had called in sick for a shift and later was discovered to have been lying about the sick part, as the manager spoke to my mother who was uninvolved and thus had no idea she was supposed to cover for me. I completely understood the situation, and took full responsibility for my actions (they gave me a chance to keep my job if I just said I would do things differently if I had a chance--oddly enough, in that moment I decided to become principled about honesty and I just couldn't tell them that). It was only later that I realized what they did was not technically legal. Either way, I was grateful to get out. I had friends who were not so lucky. It could have been me, father of three, who had to decide if it was worth letting Adrian Peterson relieve himself against policy on my watch.

In the end, I found McDonald's to run a counter intuitive, micromanaging shop. I can't speak for who heads it up now, but Ray Kroc was a total dick, and his legacy lives on. Not to mention the fact that they serve up the worst fare you could ever ingest for up to 24 hours a day in over 119 countries and two lesser moons universe wide. You can put a silk cap on a pig, Ray, but it's still a pig. Or rather, a 'pig', being comprised of white and dark meat, toes, eyes, giblets, skin, ground snouts and other. If I had to offer any advice to my boy AP, it would be to next time not trouble one of the employees, whose jobs hand in a precarious balance by micromanaging sticklers. Just pee on the sign. Get someone to take a picture. There's no such thing as bad press (as is evidenced by the fact that they gave the woman in question her job back after this leaked out to the AP). A corporate underling will probably try to contract you to pee on the signs in the Asian stores on camera. It seems like that would work over there.